Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
