Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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