I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
