I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
