Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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