i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
