you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
