Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
