How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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