I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
