I hope my margaritas pass through security.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
