I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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