Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
