the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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