god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
