I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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