I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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