My underwear smells like fireworks.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
sarcasm needs its own font
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
