I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
