decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
