There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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