insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Life is so much better after having sex.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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