i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
