I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
