Just fell off a train. Bad.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
