Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Randomize
