Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
