I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
