its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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