ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
