i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
