My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
