I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
