the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
