Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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