I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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