he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
