i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
