i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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