guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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