whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
