I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
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