If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
