i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Your cock deserves a montage
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
