we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
This is my gift to your gina
whose parrot is this?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
