dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
