It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
