Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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