So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
