remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
