Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
