dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
