how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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