We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
